As it happens, eight of the nine of us have made the choice, so far at least, to stay in the homes we’ve been in for 30 or 40 or more years. The exception is Alma Flesch who, approaching her 90th birthday and living on her own in Manhattan, decided to move to a smaller, more affordable apartment in a neighborhood not far from where she had lived previously. She describes the move itself as a horror but, now settled, is very glad to be where she is. After a personal viewing, I can see why. Her place is charming, functional and manages despite all the downsizing she had to do, to have a place for her sizable collection of miniature owls (of the crafted kind). And there are friends nearby and good restaurants.
The rest of us have decided to remain in houses that are too big for us with more bedrooms than we need and maybe a second story we could do without. But having spent so many years in wealthy, suburban communities, especially in California, it often makes economic, as well as social, sense for us to stay put at this point. The houses we live in are long since paid off, with low property taxes and high capital gains taxes if we sell. They are close to friends, medical services, shops and eateries we know well; in some cases our children and grandchildren live an easy drive away. It would be hard to find a smaller house or condo or a continuing care facility that could offer as much.
But remaining where we are often means making physical changes to the homes we know and love. And that takes work and imagination. Carol and Roy Blitzer (who live in 100+ year old Victorian ) have taken decisive steps and Carol, presciently, has written a few words about what was involved:
“A major challenge in staying in a two story house is just getting up and down those stairs. In our case, the stairway is split with a few steps leading down to our living room and another few leading to our kitchen. A motorized seat couldn’t make the turn. Likewise there’s no place for an elevator.
So we decided to retrofit the the downstairs bathroom. That meant removing the shallow tub which jutted out into space between the door and the toilet so that most people bumped their shins on the corner. Key elements to the new shower are grab bars, a built-in shampoo niche and moveable shower heads, making it possible to wash your hair while sitting in a plastic chair, if needed.
The remodeled bathroom is off our den, a room just big enough to accommodate a full-size bed and a dresser. But previous owners were smart enough to turn the former sun room into a walk-in closet. We could definitely live there when the stairs get to be too challenging.”
Judith Wasow (and her husband) who live in Palo Alto and Pete and Evelyn Philipps in Bethesda, MD are also making their old homes work for them. It turns out that Pete not only writes wonderful short stories but also has serious carpentry skills. There seem to be frequent occasions when they are put to good use.
And Andrew Eisner who, until a year or so ago, thought he would trade his house for a smaller condo about now, has thought again. These days, he is fixing the old place up, painting inside and out, making it work for him. When it’s done, maybe he’ll rent the house and travel.
Alex Ross too, remains in his home and would like to keep living there as long as possible. But he has serious medical issues that make him think he may need to move somewhere else before long, somewhere that offers care and assistance. He has acquired a list of nearby facilities. One of these days he will start checking them out.
As for me, I live in a single story house with no stairs to worry about. It has an extra bedroom that could accommodate a helper if, at some time in the future, I need assistance. In the meantime, though I live alone, and my children live at some distance, I am fortunate to be part of a NORC (a naturally occurring retirement community) a place where a bunch of friendly people have lived and engaged with one another for years. Happily, there are also also several younger families in the mix, people my children’s age with kids the age of my grandchildren. They feel like extended family. There are real connections in our community.
I realize, as do the rest of us, that we are lucky and hope we continue to be. But we also know things can change, sometimes on a dime: the death of a spouse, a sudden illness or accident, an unanticipated economic turn – any of these things might be a reason not to stay put but to move on and live differently in a new place, in a new way.
Last weekend an old friend made just such a move. She left her beloved apartment in Manhattan and moved across the country to be closer to her children who live out here; it was time to start a new life after a difficult siege in her long-time home. Several years ago, her husband contracted a debilitating disease that worsened incrementally; Covid arrived and, with the departure of other tenants from her building and the eventual death of her husband, she was increasingly isolated. Then her younger sister died.
Another friend made a different decision. Fifteen years ago, at a time when the daily upkeep of her long-term home in Westchester county was becoming a burden and significant repairs were in the offing, she and her husband thought it was time to move on. The fact that he had recently been diagnosed with a chronic, progressive disease that caused little trouble at the moment but promised serious challenges in the future, convinced them to move into an independent living community that offered assisted living facilities. They enjoyed living there together for many years. And when her husband died a couple of years ago, she was in familiar surroundings, supported by people she had come to know well.
Should something happen to me that makes living on my own no longer tenable, I would either move to southern CA where my daughter and her family live or to NYC to be closer to my son and his clan. It would be a tough choice, one I’m glad I don’t have to make at this point. My more immediate plan, assuming I stay hale and hearty, is to rent my home for several months next year and see what it is like to live in Portugal. My family will be only too happy to visit, of course, and I expect to host some venturesome OWLS as well.